I know they ain’t think we’d make it far.
Yet here we are.
Life is like a cloudy day and sometimes with sun breaks.
I mean, my life.
The shame inside me roils up and tells me that I’m not worthy of God’s love or any love and I know this is fallacy, this is false.
I know on an intellectual level, but my heart still questions it. I’m chill.
Flip the phone over and do not disturb me.
Looking at the list of missed prayers I gotta make up, and the frequency with which my writing pad is scribbled with these equations like:
2 1
3 2
4
5
2 which means Dhuhr, and 3 is Asr, and 4 is Maghrib and 5 is Isha and 1 is Fajr, the hardest of all
Which adds up to 1.5 days of missed prayers, multiplied by X degrees of shame for each one.
I wonder how much of these missed prayers Allah will accept from me? I hope all, or most, or some. Or any, really.
I know that He sees me struggling, and He knows the pain I’m in. Have been in. Likely will be in for a very long time to come.
That doesn’t make me lose hope, I just focus on the now.
Could be that Allah favored me with pain, so that I can have expiation. Maybe He wants Heaven for me, the highest levels. And I know He loves me, so it’s all possible. It’s all very possible.
I know that me and my addict friends cling to His Mercy as hope everlasting. It’s likely the only thing keeping us going. And I’m grateful for that.
It’s what allows me to not lose hope in Him even when my list of missed prayers is piling up like my laundry. And like my old therapist said, Shaitan will absolutely exploit your mental health.
But Allah’s Mercy is everlasting. And all we can do is keep trying, now matter how long it takes us to get it right. The goal is not to be perfect but to die on the road to perfection.
Currently struggling w/ prayer (for some reasons), but we can do this! Lets keep asking Him to make this easier for us, and He will listen as long as the sincerety is there.