I’m watching a man think about sitting on a frozen bus bench.
He just had his morning coffee?
He’s got one AirPod in, just one.
He just lit his morning cig.
Just one.
Like Nas?
All he needs is one mic, one cig, one blunt to live.
OK. Tell me something real, now.
I had a dream last night and it is said in my tradition that dreams should not be shared, good or bad, even to your closest family.
We not family?
Close enough. So in this dream, I won’t give you the details because I never remember details, in dreams or in life. In this dream. I heard a voice telling me that I needed to write that real stuff. That real hard stuff. That couple months ago stuff.
What do you think this dream meant?
I’m not sure, I don’t really think about that. I either obey my dreams or let them fall by the wayside.
I’m trying not to judge you.
I appreciate that.
Be real with me.
Really real?
Be real real, son.
I’ve been watching a lot of High School Football Netflix Shows & Documentaries.
You always loved football, didn’t you?
I tell people it made me the man I always wanted to be.
Does that mean it made you complete?
Not quite.
Then what?
It made me learn to be strong on the outside and still so frail within.
And then what?
I have vivid memories of being too small, slow, weak, skinny for Football.
Yet you persisted.
I felt like Rudy or something. Someone to be felt sorry for.
You were the team’s inspirational figure?
I guess. I just wanted to belong. I felt like I realistically had a chance of being a good football player.
Well, you know, kids have high hopes.
Yeah, but genetics said otherwise. But it was a great escape from reality. I… ugh.
What’s wrong?
I just had a troubling phone call.
Tell me about it.
A brother I respect asked me how I’m going to change the world with my writing. Said we need to sit down and strategize.
Well that’s weird.
Yeah. Wish I could have told him: dawg, I don’t want that burden on me. All I can do is write.
What else?
Wanted to say: bro, that’s a lot to ask of a man. I’m just trying to survive.
So what did you do?
I finished the phone call, felt bad, came here, and figured out what was wrong. Then I texted him.
What’d you say?
“Bro, I don’t know if I can change the world. That’s a lot to ask of a man. I write to survive. That’s a lot to ask of a man. I’m just trying to survive. If my writing helps someone somewhere, Alhamdulilah. But it’s not fair to who I am as a person or as a writer to put that on me. I would love to change the world. But I’m just trying to write. And whatever happens after, I’ll make my peace with it.”
I’m proud of you, bro. You stood up for yourself.
Yeah, I guess I did. I think I’m getting better at this whole observing my emotions thing.
How’s that?
I watch my body more now. I observe my thoughts more now, without attaching to them. It’s getting easier.
You believe in this DBT stuff, don’t you?
God bless Marsha Linehan for coming up with it. Never thought I’d find a cure.
Cure? That would imply you’re broken. You’re not broken. Or sick.
Just hurting. But less so nowadays.
That’s good. That’s really good. What happened to your blog?
I used to publish a lot more onto it, but honestly, I’ve just been trying to survive this damn semester.
Well, the semester is over now, so…
People with BPD, myself included, have a hard time adjusting to rapid change.
Well, you don’t have to view yourself as a statitc thing, you know. Brain plasticity.
Yeah, I know. But I look at my love handles and my belly and, not hating, but man.
What? You’re not happy with your body image? So why not change it?
Because I love domino’s too much and hate sit-ups too much and hate the gym even more.
So what’s a clear alternative?
Accept myself as I am to the best of my ability.
What did your uncle say when you ran into him a few weeks ago?
He said let’s get lunch. But it took us a few hours to decide on a place. And when we did…
He got a very small protein box from Starbucks, didn’t he?
Yeah, he said he wanted to eat something healthy. In my head I was like, healthy? What is that?
One would assume something leafy and green.
So did I. So I asked him why he ate so healthy. He said he didn’t have time to exercise, so he tried to eat healthy.
I mean, Starbucks most likely isn’t healthy food, even if it comes in a cute little see-thru-box.
Chock full of preservatives, most likely. I didn’t understand it.
Maybe it’s because he has money.
No, I think it’s because he’s convinced he doesn’t have enough time to workout.
Well, he is a busy guy. Businessman. Int’l flyer.
Yeah. I don’t know. I guess we all find different things to justify.
Human nature is a fickle beast. Look at you, checking your phone to see if that brother had replied.
Lol, I know. I was feeling all good about having defended myself. Now I’m like, I hope he doesn’t take it as an attack or a critique of him and sends something back.
You overthink things. Isn’t that an ancient Somali proverb?
“you overthink things” just doesn’t seem to flow like it’s an ancient concept.
I’m sure plato and them had a similar aphorism.
You could be write. Or right. Or wrong.
I could be rare. Like a northern right whale dolphin.
That’s rare. Like a lil B song without blasphemy.
Like a steak that’s extra bloody.