Silent Autistic Scream

I am so fed up.

I’m seeing red.

I’ve been fighting for my economic life out here. 

Being a grad student is hell, man. Poverty. Stress. You know the rest.

I’m about to graduate soon. That’s got me scared. As hard as it is being a grad student, being in the working world is even harder.

At least for me, Mr Autistic Survivor of Childhood Trauma.

I’m so depressed this winter, man. I’m clinging to the rope of Allah. He is all I have.

I got people, but He is the only one that knows how I feel.

And right now I’m this close to hopeless. But, I’m an eternal pessimist, so I’m always flirting with hopelessness. If you’d been beat up by life as much as I have, you’d understand. And if you don’t understand, go tell it to someone who cares.

Because right now all I care about is getting through this winter. This upcoming transition in my life.

I’m scared. Of poverty. Of getting kicked out of my first apartment ever. I just got my first apartment ever, last year this time. First lease I’ve ever signed. I used to be ashamed of stuff like that. Then I found out I’m autistic. I have a disability, and a profound amount of trauma on top of that disability. It is a literal miracle that I have gotten this far in life. Not because I’m less than. But because this world wasn’t designed for me.

I’m a fighter, I was born fighting for my first breath. And I’ll die fighting for my last breath.

Sometimes it’s hard to wipe the tears off your chest. Off My Chest.

Sometimes all I want is a good night’s rest. But lately they ain’t been coming.

Wake up eyes bloody. Bloodshot? Or bloody? Oh buddy.

Sometimes wake up with frowns so smiled that life doesn’t make sense for a while.

And then you take a few steps and pray and it kinda makes sense again.

I am hurting, bad. In a way I haven’t hurted in a long time. What is this tho?

Why do I feel sick and tired all the time? Why have I been struggling just to make my thoughts cohere? Coalesce? 

Why does it feel like my life is lingering between this life and the next?

I’m so tired of fighting, to be seen, to be paid. I’m so tired of heartless emails from people who don’t understand.

I used to get ghosted by girls. Now I get ghosted by corporations after I tell them I need accomdations. Is that a step up?

Fuck, man, I’m trying to find a way forward. I’m trying to find an answer for my problems.

I keep praying, and I’ll keep praying, because that is all I truly have.

And I really don’t care what you think of these words. Whoever you are, reading this. Maybe you’re someone who’s reviewing my job application. Maybe these words will tell you “hmm, he’s not a good fit for us.” Whatever, dude, do you.

I’m tired of being rejected for who I am. Because that’s the story of my life.

This week alone I’ve been ghosted by 3 people who were excited to interview me for positions until I told them I can’t do a phone call without knowing what we’ll be talking about. They didn’t even bother RESPONDING to me. They just walked away, finding someone else to fill their little role. As if I’m not human. As if I don’t have RSD. God, this world is tiring.

But you are all I have, Allah. All I’ve ever had, ever needed, will ever have, will ever need. You are my only hope. My salvation. And I pray, as I’ve always prayed, that the continuing pain this world puts me through… I pray that gets me into heaven. Cuz this life sure has felt like hell for ya boy, ya boy. Look, I’m drowning in my tears again. Haha, that’s cute.

I gotta go man. Imma watch a movie or sum. Just worked out, hard. Pray for me. Cuz I’m in need.

With love (unless you’re an asshole who doesn’t believe in accommodations, in which case, I have nothing but hate for you ableist expletives),

Selectively Mute Said