Ramadan. Another year has come and gone. Last year, I didn’t think I would be fasting in America. This year, I dreamt of running back to Africa to attain that righteous Taqwa. It also would have been nice to fast for fewer hours (12 hour days on the equator). To me, Africa is a comfort zone unlike any other. It is a reprieve from the harshnesses of the Western world. It is home for Africans, home for Muslims — doubly so for those who are both. I’m grateful for the growth which I’ve undergone this year. I’m grateful for all the pain I’ve endured, much if not all of it by my own hand. Life is not easy. Life is a test. Life is temporary, and through it, we shall pass.
Pass like the wind through a glass.
Pass like electric fish through molten ash.
Pass like a fast spoken of in the past.
It has come to pass. It shall come to be. We pray that our Lord honors us on the Day of Judgement. We pray that Allah SWT forgives us all. We pray that he accepts our charitable deeds and forgives our sinning ways. We were created weak and anxious, as Allah said in the Quran. Allah knows us better than we know ourselves; He gave us life. How could He not be intimately aware of His creation? We worship the Creator; we live our lives only by His leave.
I am here today, writing in a language which would’ve been inconceivable for my ancestors to imagine. I am using the written form of language, something which my people have little use for. It’s true that Allah has blessed my people with remarkable minds. We memorize, we learn, we overcome. We do not write. I won’t dwell on the negative aspects of my people because they are self-evident; that story has been told by many an envious person.
I give thanks to my Lord. I humbly beseech Him to grant me a spouse of good character, kind heart, affectionate ways. I ask my Lord to grant me the trappings of this world, even if they will only make me want to stay. I know that from this world we will be plucked away, one after the other, as sure as night turns to day. I know that Allah SWT loves us all, His creation. I know that the only thing I need concern myself with is pleasing Allah. We must strive to please our Rabb. It is our only purpose for being.
I want to get married, my Lord. Please make it happen for me. I am indecisive and anxious. I have anxiety and it riles me. I am unable to make decisions between two options placed before me. When I do make the decision, post-anxiety climbs up my esophagus like acid reflux, like so:
“Was my decision right? That other choice suddenly looks better; I chose wrong. Let me go back on my decision. Ok, I’ve gone back. Wait. Now it looks like this other option is not as good as the first one. Is it too late to un-change my changed mind?”
And so on, and so forth, etc. etc. This is a problematic way of living one’s life. This is also how I was created. I accept this about myself, for to doubt anything of my nature is to doubt Allah’s Decree. To doubt Allah’s Decree is to doubt Allah. To doubt Allah is a sure path to destruction (may Allah save us from the hellfire). Accepting myself as I was created, entirely and without compromise, is a prerequisite for accepting Allah’s Decree; it is also a means of strengthening my Taqwa – God-Consciousness.
To accept myself is to accept Allah – because Allah created me in a perfect way according to His Will. Accepting myself is necessary to have true Faith. I accept myself exactly as Allah created me, and I accept Allah’s Decree for me and my life without question. I give thanks to my Lord for honoring me with the gift of life, the gift of Islam, and the gift of writing.